I hate feeling anxious! I’ll be in such a good place and still am in a good place, but I freak myself out about the future.
Why do I do that? And how do I make it stop? I just want to live in the moment. It will be the most random ridiculous things that make me flip out too.
I was on facebook and one of the guys that people back home went to school with died yesterday. He was probably about 28 or so and had some chronic random disease. No idea who this guy is but I just started thinking about the future and how you never know what’s going to happen. And I really don’t know that I care what happens. I mean I do care, but I’m excited for it. It’s like I freak out that God has it out for me and I’m going to wake up one morning with cancer or die in a freak accident or not be able to have kids or never meet a guy or I will have to be a nun. And God will just look at me and say tough tuna. But that’s not normally how I think. And that’s surely not a God that I want to believe in. But it does get hard at times to see what’s so providential in death, disease, war, etc…
Sometimes I think I'm afraid of losing control. I really struggle with acceptance. I know by my nature that I am such a perfectionist and things that aren't perfect by nature just throw me for a loop. I think I lack trust. Trust in God, His goodness and mercy and trust in myself. Hope, trust and peace... Those are my grown-up Christmas wishes.
Im glad you brought this up... you're very good at being transparent - i love that about you.
ReplyDeleteMatthew Wise??? Are we thinking of the SAME guy today? His family went to our church and i knew his little sister... Or maybe you're talking about some other young, vibrant, Catholic guy who passed away last night??
I had a glass of wine with Jordan last night and we talked about how much more important family has become over time. My dad, all of a sudden, wants his kids around all the time. Its making me realize, viscerally, how SHORT life is... that he and my mom may not have more than 15 years on this earth. That means they may never see my first kid graduate from High School... Thats a big thing to think about. It hit me. But at the end of the day, it makes me want to just really be more loving and attentive, cuz your'e right, you never know when life is snatched right up.
One foot in yesterday, and one on tomorrow, is shitting on today. Make today count. In that movie, Tree of Life, it opens up with, "unless you love, your life will flash by".. im realizing that is why i am thriving right now, im just making more time to get to know people, and accept them where they are.. including myself. Hang in there lovey. Who ever said you HAVE to have it all figured out right now? Just trust that you are exactly where God wants you at this moment, today.
Wanted to share this post Matthew Wise's mom posted on Facebook. Makes God so real to me...
ReplyDeleteSusan Vandenberg Wise Wrote:
I wanted to share something that happened yesterday.
About a month ago, I emailed a woman whose remarkable son died of neuromuscular disease several years ago. Actually, all four of her children have died of this disease, but her youngest lived to the age of 13.
He shares the same name as our Matthew, so I asked for the intercession of *her* Matthew Joseph for our Matthew Joseph. Her son's nic...kname is Mattie, and my nickname for Matthew is "Matthy."
She said she would ask him to intercede, and we emailed a few times. I hadn't heard from her in a few weeks.
Yesterday morning at Mass, I had the thought that I should email Jeni to let her know. Opened my computer when I got home, and there was an email from her, asking how Matthew was doing. I wrote back, saying that Matthew passed away the night before.
She replied, saying:
"I was afraid of that this morning. I rarely dream of my children. Last night, I dreamed so vividly of Mattie. He stood by me and said, "Mattie's here. It is well." I thought he was comforting me. Then I jolted awake and wondered, did he say "Mattie" or "Matthy"? He was calm and gently smiling, yet solemn and serious. I guess I would say he was reassuring. I was hesitant to write to you, but the dream was so incredibly vivid and I could not stop replaying it in my mind. I will hold you and your family on prayer. I believe Matthy has found peace."
Thank you, Jeni. And thank you, Mattie Stepanek, for welcoming our son and letting us know.