Heartache.

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been so happy and so wrapped up in my relationship and its progress. It didn't feel right to share its private moments in such a public manner on the blog, and I didn't have anything else on my mind really. I broke up with him this morning. My heart hurts so so much. And I know that I hurt him so much too. I feel like a royal mess, a complete disaster. I was so sure this was the right thing to do, so sure that I needed to save us both from much bigger hurt in the future. But after talking to him I feel so broken and a bit panicky and wondering what the hell have I done. My intellect still tells me I made the right choice but my heart is screaming at me and saying why why why. I am going to miss him so much. I don't mean to be depressing. I just needed to share with two of the people I love the most in the world. 

This was part of an email exchange between me and Tessie this morning. It just all came out and it encapsulates the way I feel pretty well. 

Love you both! 

Tessie, 

We talked about it a bit last night. I told him I have decided to move to Austin. He sees that as synonymous with breaking up (which I knew), so his gut-reaction was not unexpected to me. We've talked about it before and I have always held that if a relationship is the right one, it will weather the distance or figure out a way to be together. He doesn't agree and I knew that he felt I was choosing 'career' over him. I suppose in a way I am, though I have never seen the opportunity as this stark choice between love and work. But I guess that is where the problem is: if I loved him like you love Dan, I wouldn't be able to fathom leaving and we would be getting married. But I don't. And we're not. 

I just know so much that Austin is where I am supposed to be right now; that it is going to be such a good experience for me and  that I am excited for all the right reasons. I don't know what will happen. It isn't because of my job. My job is just the perfect setup for me to go. And I am supposed to go. 

This past week was one reminder after the other of what my dreams have alwaysbeen made of...the kind of relationship I want, the family I can't wait to raise, the love and faith that I want to fully share with someone. I thought for a moment that there might be another way to have a good relationship. That maybe I am too quick to dismiss people, that everyone is on a journey and can change. That my initial critical impression of people (men particularly) is harsh and unrealistic. Dustin has a good, sweet heart. But we see all of the important things differently...no, on entirely different planes!! It is not healthy for either of us. He is resentful because he thinks I won't adjust/compromise things; I am because he has no understanding of the core of who I am and why 'compromise' isn't even possible.

I wish so much that I could take his part of the hurt. It about broke my heart talking to him last night. He has had such horrid examples of family relationships and love in his life. He kept asking me why I made him fall in love with me. I feel so awful. We do have a great time together.  I am attracted to him and we laugh, laugh, laugh together. But it isn't enough. I am sad, it hurts and I will miss him. But I at least have the surety that what I am doing is the right thing to do. He doesn't have that. Just the hurt. And another person who failed him. I feel like a murderess. I am slowing murdering his small, newborn hope in love. But I can't reassure him and I can't take it back. It is best for both of us. 

This relationship has really solidified that my faith is the core of who I am and I can't ignore it. It has been kind of rumbling around under the surface for the past few years.  I thought maybe I could live it on my own, not necessarily have to share it with my spouse. Nooot true. Everything stems from it. I cannot be happy without it there and I can't lie to myself. I have felt him pulling me away from it more than anything else. It has been forever since I have gone to communion. I don't want to live this way. 

Anywho. 

Thanks much for the prayers. And for the example. I'm thinking that D.P. put us together in this hell-hole of an office to smack my stubborn head against the windowpane of your relationship and say 'see! quit pretending you don't want this or that this doesn't exist! Find that Chesterton-loving hopeful idealism that is all wrapped up in your being and quit being a coward!' 

I love you for it! And many other reasons :)

Megs