Wednesday, May 2, 2012

To Want

I really like how you two have started these posts with a "want" hue, because im working on wanting my wants right now. Somewhere this past year I disengaged myself with a lot of mine, mostly because I I think I subconsciously needed to purify them. I am working on getting them back in an ordered fashion, with ends that fulfill my true needs and desires, and not some unhealthy imitation of my parent's, friend's, or x-boyfriend's desires of what I should be or want.

-I want to experience beauty daily, through music, writings, film, (just watched Elizabeth last night - great film, as well as Bright Star - also breathtaking). 
-I want to find someone to love who will love me back for the things the world would never recognize. 
-I want to experience things that scare me, because that means growth, and breaking routines. 
-I want to find my mission = where my total gladness and the world's great needs converge.
-I want to move out, i will move out, destination TBD. 
-I want to be the kind of person who everyone knows will always be brutally honest with them, while not making them feel any less loved. 
-I want to spend my days so intentionally and purposefully that when my head hits the pillow at night I fall asleep within moments. 
-I want to feel the full scope of emotions, pain, heartache, exhaustion, pee your pants excitement, knees like jelly captivation, i'd dodge a bullet for you love (im beginning to realize ive grown somewhat numb, that i don't even know what else to add to the list. That needs some attention).  
.....
I think I need to be more grounded in real, tangible, goals that I can strive for to get me in a place where i actually feel like an adult, ha!  Most of my desires are for these ineffable experiences, but I think many of these would arrive if I just got myself out of this pit of a dark suburb called Kent. Anywho - im not as miz as that just sounded, just pensive. I think i've mastered the ability to choose joy in any circumstance. I'm excited for that freedom.  God knows how to make me listen. I am learning :)
.....
-I want to make real tangible goals for myself that stretch me toward a purposeful job, relationships, and growth. 




Things I Want to Do

Thanks for tolerating me right now guys :)



  • move to Austin 
  • decorate an apartment to my own taste
  • work out with dedication every day 
  • pray every day. pray for dustin
  • cook new recipes
  • start a new journal. you don't have to write in it everyday, you don't have to catch up in it. Just move forward where you are. 
  • confession. you have moved forward so much in your faith. don't ignore it. embrace it. you can't pretend it isn't the core of who you are. 
  • meet new people. by yourself, not with your friends present as a crutch. 
  • find a catholic group of people in austin and do some things with them. 
  • make baby jensen a quilt! 
  • improve your iTunes library
  • nurture the awesome friendships that you have, it takes effort and time
  • touch base with your grandma. 
  • get a new purse
  • new jeep tires
  • make a man check-list


You are a strong and honest woman. Let yourself be hurt, but grow through the experience. It has taught you so much, you have learned so much about yourself, don't waste the knowledge or the pain. You have to be true to your heart and your head even when it seems impossible. Don't give up on your dreams. When we purify our intentions, the desires in our heart are from God (thanks Sarah!).  Don't settle.

Life is Beautiful! 

This song goes out to Meaghan - luv u.

Dont Kick The Chair

Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ? Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, you believe in GOD ? Student : Absolutely, sir. Professor : Is GOD good ? Student : Sure. Professor: Is GOD all powerful ? Student : Yes. Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm? (Student was silent.) Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good? Student : Yes. Professor: Is satan good ? Student : No. Professor: Where does satan come from ? Student : From … GOD … Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world? Student : Yes. Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct? Student : Yes. Professor: So who created evil ? (Student did not answer.) Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they? Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, who created them ? (Student had no answer.) Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD? Student : No, sir. Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD? Student : No , sir. Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter? Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t. Professor: Yet you still believe in Him? Student : Yes. Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son? Student : Nothing. I only have my faith. Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has. Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat? Professor: Yes. Student : And is there such a thing as cold? Professor: Yes. Student : No, sir. There isn’t. (The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.) Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.) Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness? Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness? Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you? Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ? Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed. Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how? Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey? Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do. Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.) Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class was in uproar.) Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain? (The class broke out into laughter. ) Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.) Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son. Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving. P.S. That student was EINSTEIN.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Heartache.


I haven't posted in awhile. I've been so happy and so wrapped up in my relationship and its progress. It didn't feel right to share its private moments in such a public manner on the blog, and I didn't have anything else on my mind really. I broke up with him this morning. My heart hurts so so much. And I know that I hurt him so much too. I feel like a royal mess, a complete disaster. I was so sure this was the right thing to do, so sure that I needed to save us both from much bigger hurt in the future. But after talking to him I feel so broken and a bit panicky and wondering what the hell have I done. My intellect still tells me I made the right choice but my heart is screaming at me and saying why why why. I am going to miss him so much. I don't mean to be depressing. I just needed to share with two of the people I love the most in the world. 

This was part of an email exchange between me and Tessie this morning. It just all came out and it encapsulates the way I feel pretty well. 

Love you both! 



Tessie, 

We talked about it a bit last night. I told him I have decided to move to Austin. He sees that as synonymous with breaking up (which I knew), so his gut-reaction was not unexpected to me. We've talked about it before and I have always held that if a relationship is the right one, it will weather the distance or figure out a way to be together. He doesn't agree and I knew that he felt I was choosing 'career' over him. I suppose in a way I am, though I have never seen the opportunity as this stark choice between love and work. But I guess that is where the problem is: if I loved him like you love Dan, I wouldn't be able to fathom leaving and we would be getting married. But I don't. And we're not. 

I just know so much that Austin is where I am supposed to be right now; that it is going to be such a good experience for me and  that I am excited for all the right reasons. I don't know what will happen. It isn't because of my job. My job is just the perfect setup for me to go. And I am supposed to go. 

This past week was one reminder after the other of what my dreams have alwaysbeen made of...the kind of relationship I want, the family I can't wait to raise, the love and faith that I want to fully share with someone. I thought for a moment that there might be another way to have a good relationship. That maybe I am too quick to dismiss people, that everyone is on a journey and can change. That my initial critical impression of people (men particularly) is harsh and unrealistic. Dustin has a good, sweet heart. But we see all of the important things differently...no, on entirely different planes!! It is not healthy for either of us. He is resentful because he thinks I won't adjust/compromise things; I am because he has no understanding of the core of who I am and why 'compromise' isn't even possible.

I wish so much that I could take his part of the hurt. It about broke my heart talking to him last night. He has had such horrid examples of family relationships and love in his life. He kept asking me why I made him fall in love with me. I feel so awful. We do have a great time together.  I am attracted to him and we laugh, laugh, laugh together. But it isn't enough. I am sad, it hurts and I will miss him. But I at least have the surety that what I am doing is the right thing to do. He doesn't have that. Just the hurt. And another person who failed him. I feel like a murderess. I am slowing murdering his small, newborn hope in love. But I can't reassure him and I can't take it back. It is best for both of us. 

This relationship has really solidified that my faith is the core of who I am and I can't ignore it. It has been kind of rumbling around under the surface for the past few years.  I thought maybe I could live it on my own, not necessarily have to share it with my spouse. Nooot true. Everything stems from it. I cannot be happy without it there and I can't lie to myself. I have felt him pulling me away from it more than anything else. It has been forever since I have gone to communion. I don't want to live this way. 

Anywho. 

Thanks much for the prayers. And for the example. I'm thinking that D.P. put us together in this hell-hole of an office to smack my stubborn head against the windowpane of your relationship and say 'see! quit pretending you don't want this or that this doesn't exist! Find that Chesterton-loving hopeful idealism that is all wrapped up in your being and quit being a coward!' 

I love you for it! And many other reasons :)

Megs

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Seriously. Seriously. Cannot stand flaky people. I think it's just rude. Flat out rude. When somebody calls you or e-mails you then it's polite to respond. I don't give s flippin-A if the response isn't in my favor. What I care about is if you take the time to respond. I'm not saying you should respond to every single thing, but when you've made commitments you should follow through on them. AHHHHHHHHHH! It's so frustrating to me. Who does that? That's my rant while I sit on a conference call that I have no involvement in. It's hard to find the desire to fight for things when you don't really give a damn. C'est la vie!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Random thoughts, inquiries and observations

1) It's only 100 days til the Olympics! Why am I not more excited?
2) Remember those Olympic coins they used to have in cereal boxes?
3) I think Gymnastics is my favorite Olympic sport to watch.
4) I wonder if I could ever "STICK" a landing after flipping off a vault.
5) Mexico has a volcano - news to me!
6) I thought Mexico was a land of beaches, taco trucks, and dive bars.
7) Volcanoes in Mexico totally ruined my exotic fantasy land that I've always imagined.
8) How would you feel to be part of Bin Laden's family - I thought my family had issues.
9) I like presenting powerpoint presentations
10) I, however, take it as a personal insult to my intelligence to present somebody else's powerpoint, as if I'm not smart enough to create my own.
11) Flaky people drive me insane.
12) I hope people don't think I'm flaky.
13) Fiduciary is a funny word.
14) I always thought a good line would be "Yeah, that guy puts the douche in fiduciary."
15) I really want to get a bike.
16) I think people with bike racks always look so in shape and put together.
17) Secrets can be hard to keep.
18) I get more excited for other people than I do for myself.
19) I ate way tOO much at lunch.
20) Crying is so unbelievably therapeutic.