As all of my friends - and even closer friends now - are arriving at these pivotal life moments I feel like I'm in either a vortex, where things seem crazy but ultimately they're only going in circles or completely sedentary and things go nowhere. But I started to enumerate all of the things that happened last year. Surprisingly, I've been through a lot more and better still gotten through a lot more than I had ever realized.
The difference between my happiness then and my happiness now is that it's completely up to me. I'm relying on nobody or nothing to be happy. I'm still learning it, but I'm at the point where I can step back, reassess and move on. I don't need a boy, a job, a car, an apt, to make me happy. As long as I stay happy those things will fall into place. And if you lose one, I/me/myself am in the position to move on. Granted everything's going smoothly at the moment and it's easy to say this. But better to remind myself now then having to tell myself when life gets shitty.
The only thing that's been constant through all of it is your friendship. Not to sound Thanksgiving corny - but I'm super blessed to have friends like you! Love you guys! Happy day before Thanksgiving!
Sarah, I am so happy to hear this. I was at dinner with Joey and we talked a lot about depression, and bouts of our lives where we felt completely isolated, hopeless, and stagnant. The difference for me now, i said, was that it didn't matter where i was. I know now that i can be anywhere in any circumstance and be totally serene and at peace. I think it took coming home and losing everything, my network in Dallas, my independence in a way, my world of friends close by, to know now that i can be happy even in that one place i never wanted to end up, Seattle... at first i felt totally and utterly defeated when i came back here, but now i feel so incredibly strong emotionally, that nothing can bring me down (except maybe hormones that time of the month). its so true what they say and trials and tribulations making you stronger. I feel like it was a relatively hard past year, with a lot of uncertainty, and aimless searching, and I feel like that had to happen to give me the sense of resoluteness i have right now. I was driving to work this morning, music blaring, rain pouring, and i just said, "God thank you for everything that i haven't acknowledged in a long time, im seeing blessings all over the place now." I guess its that im finally choosing to see them, instead of seeing what is not there, and trying to force it to show up. Even with this Joey situation, i was on the treadmill last night and got this overwhelming sense of God saying, "Its not up to you.." just let things unfold, and trust that His hand will guide things. Not sure where i would be without you two. You're both in my life by the grace of God.
ReplyDeleteGirls these posts made me tear up. I love you both so much!! Our friendship with each other is such a gift. We have all gone through so much in the past year and half since college and we have been there for each other in so many ways. Things at work are so bad and I too have felt incredibly like a failure since I moved back home. But I've never felt more at peace and settled in the way that I do now. Finally! That is really what I-we all- have been trying to achieve in our own ways. It is so funny how it always seems to end up being so not what you thought it was. It is not a relationship or a location or a job... it is a journey (not to be corny, but still) that you travel and the culmination of all different experiences and feelings and hopes suddenly open your eyes to the fact that you already ARE happy. You just had to take a step back and see it. A decision. To quit seeing the negative space and actually see the image. Thank you for DP and the ability to see it!
ReplyDeleteI wish that we were all going to be together tomorrow...I miss you both. Living together on a daily basis and sharing everything. Mare you're a million miles away and Sarah and I operate in such different daily spheres it is not the same. I love you so so much. Happy Thanksgiving!