Ladies. I think I have mentioned this before but... I want a restart button so that I can go back and be all the different things that I think are so fascinating and awesome. The thing that bothers me the most lately is that I feel like I am now in the part of life where each direction or path that I take permanently narrows my options and pigeon-holes me in a way. So I have decided to cope with it by basically refusing to make decisions in the little things. Such as: shopping. I cannot for the life of me make a self-empowered, independant decision regarding something as absurd as (as of yesterday) a shirt. I think I need therapy haha.
I want to start law school now and be an attorney for like 5 years until that gets boring.
Then go back and go to medical school and do that for, well, maybe 10 years because it takes so long to get there.
And then go back and be a pampered and rich highschool girl who gets everything handed to her on a platter including a bmw and private school all that. I think I would stick to that role long enough to go to a state school and be in a sorority (maybe even like a cheerleader or a president of the sorority...complete with platinum dyed hair of course) and then get engaged with a big ole' ring and have a huge excessive wedding and then be a loved, but true, trophy wife. Ok, so maybe I would live that one out for awhile.
And then I would come back and be a struggling journalism student living in a loft in New York City who ends up through her own grit and determination as an senior editor who makes tons of money and wears Jimmy Choos by the time she is 28.
And then go back to being me right now because at that point I think I would have a pretty good idea of what step I want to take next. Because I would have lived them all, you know.
That is what I would do if I ran the zoo.
:)
ReplyDeleteits a hard but beautiful thing to become actualized, and by necessity less potential.
im gona be a geek and remind ya of Aristotle's metaphysics: The concept of potentiality, in this context, generally refers to any "possibility" that a thing can be said to have. Aristotle did not consider all possibilities the same, and emphasized the importance of those that become real of their own accord when conditions are right and nothing stops them.[3] Actuality, in contrast to potentiality, is the motion, change or activity that represents an exercise or fulfillment of a possibility, when a possibility becomes real in the fullest sense.[4]
I think you should buy yourself a pair of Jimmy Choos TODAY. Who cares if its rash. Continue writing, still study for the LSAT. Why cant you do it all?
ReplyDeleteOne day I decided to quit potentially owning a four legged friend and actually own one. I came to this decision mainly on impulse. Impulse being defined as thinking about it for a couple of months and figuring why the hell not. Lots of people own dogs, lots of people who live in apartments own dogs, lots of girls own dogs, lots of girls own big dogs, not just yappy purse dogs. And so I decided to be an apartment dwelling girl, who owned a big dog. (The logic follows 100% I know) This decision however turned around to bite me in the butt – I’m only waiting for the day that it literally bites me in the butt… Anyway, I was wide awake at 2 in the morning last night writing furiously about all of the decisions I make and why I make them – mainly frustrated with the decisions that don’t turn out so well. After a lot of nonsense and rambling I came to a conclusion – we’re all going to make mistakes, get tripped up, and have things go not so smoothly. If we ultimately learn from these mistakes we have nothing to worry about. We learn from our mistakes, and it is through learning that we grow. As I wrote last night I thought about many people in my life who never try, and consequently never learn and never grow. They are where they were 2,4,5 year ago. I decided I would rather wake up a be able to smile about things I’ve done, places I’ve gone and people I’ve met, rather than look back and regret the things I didn’t do, or the places I hadn’t gone or the people I hadn’t met. I’m becoming more and more ok with imperfection and the possibility of looking like a fool – as long as I try and give it my all I’ll be glad to look back and say at least I tried. So here’s to trying new things and discovering who we are. Carpe the hell out of that diem! Go buy those Jimmy Choo’s! And this isn’t to say that every impulsive decision we make will end in disaster. It’s only saying that it’s ok if it does. Or maybe this is just me saying I’m trying to justify my foolish decision…
ReplyDeleteP.S. It deleted my first draft and wouldn’t let me post. Trying to re-create never goes quite so well…
I love us so much!
ReplyDeletealso, how bout them typos lol?
sarah, your comment should be its own post lol...
ReplyDeleteAMEN!! Carpe the hell out those Jimmy Choos. And post a pic when you buy them. (I just did that with an overpriced purse that I LOVE).
ReplyDeleteOH! To be frank, when i was battling this whole decision of moving to Florida, I actually hired a real therapist cause I felt like I was incapable of making ANY decision, to stay OR go. And the thought of the regret making either one was debilitating. I just seized up and was motionless about it. I left her office one day and she said, "Just remember, ANY decision is a good one." And I realized at that point that that is all we owe ourselves and others, is a proper yes, and proper no. Calculated, of course, but be brief about it. Sarah has a really good point about mistakes. I've been so much less consumed with fear of mistakes since I came back here, i guess primarily because i felt like that was one of the biggest ones i had made yet. And ya know what? God worked with it.. and has brought so many incredible experiences out of this fiasco of a return. He works with our mistakes.. we have to allow him the chance to.
I gotta mention a dude. I know.. shocker. I kind of already miss the potentiality of knowing this guy.. cuz now I actually do, and am on my way to really knowing him. I'm afraid of being disappointed, getting distracted, and looking back being embarrassed at myself if it goes to crap quickly, for reasons that will seem so obvious when its over. I could look at a lot of things already and say they are deal breakers... that I should not even open hatch, and keep things unknown. Part of me thinks this will be a good opportunity though, to be very explicit about who I am, what I stand for, and what I look for in someone. I don't think i've ever had a guy REALLY pursue me, dig at who I am (B definitely cared, but didn't truly pursue me.. i was just there more or less. We know where he was so quickly willing to return). So there is something fresh about this situation that i'm excited to experience, even if it crumbles and is awkward. I'd like to think we'd both be better off from it. Learning from it, should it happen.. makes it all worth it.
ReplyDeleteI am so excited about this dude. (does said dude have a name, btw?) It sounds like you both are totally on the same page and taking each step at the same pace, which is such a bueno plan-o. Plus if he is a trainer, my money is on him having a beautiful bod. lol. not that that is superduper importante but sure is high on the (honest) list for me! Could not agree more with the approach you seem to have going on: seize the day, be yourself and no regrets. cliche, but so for a reason.
ReplyDeletemuah. I shall now drag myself to pilates which sounds heinously vile at the moment.
yes, said dude is Joey. I don't want to be FB friends cuz i already saw his pic when i googled him. Kind of a big red flag to me, a) that he would use it has his FB pic, and b) that he would seek that out. Part of me thinks he senses i am naive and agreeable and cute, so he could get his way with me. Part of me actually trusts him. Its weird cuz he said all the right things, and i dont know if it is sincere or just the cards he is playing. He asked me about my spiritual life.. he prays a lot he says, whatever that means. I duno. I guess i have been strung along so many times that i anticipate it now, which isnt fair to him if he really does want to date me. So far, our conversations are often in the context of "the beginning of this relationship". Its pretty amazing having him as a trainer though. Feelin realllly good about the bod for the first time in a long time.. (combination of working out all summer cuz i had him to look forward to, and also the personal training sessions - phew!! hes an ass kicker). Seeing him work out these little old women or moms who have let themselves go, and seeing how sincere and tender he is with them - SOO cute.. he definitely has a huge heart.
ReplyDeleteMare- I just read the above comment. Don't know how I missed it the first time, but I did. And it sounds sooooo hopeful and lovely. Don't let your previous failed expectations taint new possible relationships. For serious. I feel as if we are all relatively cynical particularly about love and it shouldn't be that way! Love you!
ReplyDeletealso, I wish that i felt great about my body. I am working on getting there again but man, is it hard to committ to it everyday sometimes!
ReplyDeleteoh heyyy! i'll have to remember to check back on old posts :)
ReplyDeleteThank you :) Yup - very energized all of a sudden about being fearlessly me, transparent, loving and accepting but strong at the same time - if that makes sense... I guess with regards to new relationships. I guess its the 'innocent till proven guilty' approach. I think i'd want someone to approach me with the same frame of mind.