anticipating New Years.. already...

Grampy's Wisdom: Blessings

It scares me a bit, because he has started sharing stories and memories like this one all the time. It is as if he is reflecting on his entire past life and wrapping it up, which makes me incredibly sad. He is the wisest and, in addition to my dad, the best man I know. He  possesses the strongest morals and character and is a wonderful example of true manhood. Even with my Grandma's staunch faith, he has never felt the draw to Catholicism. It is a conundrum to me. I suppose it will be explained in heaven.

Anywho, I just wanted to share  some of Grampy's reflections on life. He calls it fun, but read joy and blessings in his words. Love you!

"In the dentist chair for two hours the other day I decided to review fun things in my life. By definition happy times would mean carefree.

As a young child on Richard Avenue life was full of fun things in the neighborhood. We had rubber gun wars with the next-door neighbors. We had secret clubhouses in the corner of our yard.

Lots of activities outside that included sleeping outside on cots and sleeping out on top of a pagola.We had a couple of old garage doors ,put cushions to sleep on.We were probably 8 feet off the ground and away from the bugs

A lot of action with the neighborhood kids ,my brother ,my brothers friends et cetera. From the beginning of summer to September we were mostly barefoot and out running around ;lots of freedom.

As I grew up most of my happiest times were around the water or in the mountains.

Of course i had  fun in New Jersey where I met Mary. later years we went to Cape Cod ,Long Island sound , lake Quassapaug ;.some bluefish trips on Long Island sound and Cape Cod. Always the ocean and lakes seem to appeal to my free ,fun self.

The mountains were also a big plus for me. Our first ski trip in Pennsylvania outside of Pittsburgh was a blast.Our Jones &laughlin trainees coming down the mountain with no  lessons  or  training. Later my honeymoon with Mary in New York State sking and the bobsled run. Southington Mountain in Connecticut was a great training ground for the entire family. Then we would go to Vermont for a long weekend to the large mountain skiing. Lots of excitement with the ice patches in Vermont.

Later Colorado and New Mexico were great skiing trips with the boys. Later Mary and I took several trips to mountains both in the United States and in Canada.

In the mountains I always felt close to God

Another fun time for me  was various church events and retreats at unity Village Missouri and one retreat to Wisconsin ,when I was in Chicago. Again most of these help me feel close to God and to my spiritual self.

In looking back of my life there's been a lot of fun times.  Most of the not so good times are pretty much faded away from my memory.

Of course the happiest time that was not carefree was my family life. The joy and excitement of being a newly married husband to Mary was wonderful. We had fun times with friends and family in  New York. Playland free passes ,free theater tickets ,were a treat as well as vacations to Davis Park Long Island New York. Trips into New York City Was great. The joy of our first three children. Our first house on Bayberry Road. The people we knew in Cheshire were great. The birth of our daughter was a blessed event.

Obviously the people part of my life has been the most important and fulfilling. Especially the grandchildren

The grandchildren were fun to be with and let somebody else  be responsible for the discipline et cetera. I believe God gave us grandchildren for a reward for some of the other years that we're not always so much fun.

The above things were going through my mind while the Doctor  was having her fun on my root canal. " 

Bob Marley was right.

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.
--Benjamin Franklin

We all desire to be loved. Our common human characteristic is our need to count in someone else's life. At least one other person needs us, we tell ourselves, when we feel least able to accept life's demands. How alike we all are. The paradox is that our own need for love is lessened when we bestow it on others. Give it away and it returns. A promise, one we can trust.

The reality about love and its path from sender to receiver and back again is often distant from our minds. More often we stew and become obsessed with the lack of love's evidence in our lives. Why isn't he smiling? Why didn't she care? Has someone more interesting taken our place? Choosing to offer love, rather than to look for it, will influence every experience we have. Life will feel gentler, and the rewards will be many and far reaching.

Loving others promises me the love I desire. But I can't expect it if I don't give it first.

breaking free a bit

I spent a week in Chicago learning about economics, journalism, and a free society. Met policy analysts from DC think tanks, and journalists who both love and hate the city. One writes about religion and being a mother, and another writes about the militarization of the police force and all the unethical "isolated incidents" that somehow turn into them getting praised for their bravery when they should have been fired. 

6-7 hours of lectures each day was like drinking water out of a fire hose. But the most stimulating week of the year! Each night was topped off with a lovely open bar (where i was forced to learn to love beer, yes, I love a couple varieties of beer now) which made for very stimulating conversations, and the hilarious comedians finally came out of their shells too.   

Met a guy who strongly resembles Jonathan Rhys Meyers, is atheist, and has a mind for centuries. Its funny the things that make you feel like family. I always assumed this ensued with individuals who share my faith in the Catholic Church, which is true. But something else does it. The desire for truth. Even if they are at another point in their path, the fiery desire to get to the essence of justice and proper order as individuals and as a society, is totally unifying. I miss them all already. Justin and I made a trip to the beach and laid out one day. We spent three hours in the art museum and saw just about any artist you can name, and multiple pieces by each. I wish i took more pictures.

A small group of us, mostly the people who put on the seminar, went on a river boat cruise narrated by a fellow who knows the ins and outs of the architectural sights along the way. Beautiful. We stumbled off the boat bedazzled on wine, and let Radley (who writes for the Huff post) do what he does best - investigate. But this time for the prime dinner destination. Victory. We landed at the Purple Pig. I was reborn. Pork shoulder, pig tail, and bone marrow. I think i had a serious animal deficit in my diet, because it knocked me off my chair. 

I got back to Seattle and immediately packed up my stuff and moved into a room about 45 minutes north of where I was (and 10 minutes to work), into a friend's home on Mercer Island. I am subletting a room there until I find out where I want to live. I felt like Chicago put that intrepid nature (as Meags calls it :)) back in me and I couldn't take another moment in my parent's home. Something too comfortable about it. The family dynamics and the all too familiar "dont take risks" worldview they live under is anesthetizing.  The house I moved into is not comfortable enough for me to want to stay, so the fire is under my ass a-blazing. 

And I almost didn't even go to Chicago.

Happy Wednesday :)

It gets good about a minute in.... gosh I love 4 day work weeks!!

http://soundcloud.com/deejaysoundpower/shakira-feat-lil-wayne-timbaland-give-it-up-to-me-dj-sound-power-remix

Awakening the senses!

I woke up this morning with an indescribable desire to book a one way ticket to Spain or France. This was influenced by a plethora of things: my friend just landed in France where she starts her aupair summer job North of Paris (Mary Ellen - you met her) ; Sean's wife Anna is from Spain, and she is one of the happiest/festive people I have ever met (Joy keeps you young. She is a mum of 4 and looks 19), Sean and Anna are traveling Europe for their ten year anniversary and their pics showed up on my feed this morning; and perhaps the still yet to be scheduled trip to South Florida, where everyone is tan and socializes like its their profession. So I put on brighter colors than normal today and have been listening to Ottmar Liebert all day in the office, and happy to acknowledge that there is nothing restraining me from actually giving either posh destination a visit. While I see many friends getting hitched behind their white picket fences (which, mind you, I cant wait for), I am grateful that I have an insatiable curiosity to experience the colorful, disarmingly beautiful cites and sounds available to me the moment I decide to get out of my own way - i don't plan on waiting for my ten year wedding anniversary.

Spain

 

Monaco, France

Reminder to Me

The most important hour is always the present; the most significant person is precisely the one who is sitting across from you right now; the most necessary work is always love. 

-Meister Eckhart 

Anticipation

How funny is it to just stop for a minute and realize where you are in life. How you got there. How incredible it is. How strange that you have come all the way you have to get where you are. How blessed we all are to be at whatever point we are.

Then to lift your thoughts a bit down the road ahead; to where your dreams lead you.

My thoughts this morning? I am so excited for my future sweet little babies! Little carbon copies of me and my love to put in striped hanna andersson long-johns and chase around. with bare feet. on wood floors. in the mornings before breakfast.

A weirdly specific picture to have in my head, I know. I came across these and that is what they told me :)

 Love you ladies!!

Prayer & Hope

"33. Saint Augustine, in a homily on the First Letter of John, describes very beautifully the intimate relationship between prayer and hope. He defines prayer as an exercise of desire. Man was created for greatness—for God himself; he was created to be filled by God. But his heart is too small for the greatness to which it is destined. It must be stretched. “By delaying [his gift], God strengthens our desire; through desire he enlarges our soul and by expanding it he increases its capacity [for receiving him]”. Augustine refers to Saint Paul, who speaks of himself as straining forward to the things that are to come (cf. Phil 3:13). He then uses a very beautiful image to describe this process of enlargement and preparation of the human heart. “Suppose that God wishes to fill you with honey [a symbol of God's tenderness and goodness]; but if you are full of vinegar, where will you put the honey?” The vessel, that is your heart, must first be enlarged and then cleansed, freed from the vinegar and its taste. This requires hard work and is painful, but in this way alone do we become suited to that for which we are destined[26]. Even if Augustine speaks directly only of our capacity for God, it is nevertheless clear that through this effort by which we are freed from vinegar and the taste of vinegar, not only are we made free for God, but we also become open to others. It is only by becoming children of God, that we can be with our common Father. To pray is not to step outside history and withdraw to our own private corner of happiness. When we pray properly we undergo a process of inner purification which opens us up to God and thus to our fellow human beings as well. In prayer we must learn what we can truly ask of God—what is worthy of God. We must learn that we cannot pray against others. We must learn that we cannot ask for the superficial and comfortable things that we desire at this moment—that meagre, misplaced hope that leads us away from God. We must learn to purify our desires and our hopes. We must free ourselves from the hidden lies with which we deceive ourselves. God sees through them, and when we come before God, we too are forced to recognize them. “But who can discern his errors? Clear me from hidden faults” prays the Psalmist (Ps 19:12 [18:13]). Failure to recognize my guilt, the illusion of my innocence, does not justify me and does not save me, because I am culpable for the numbness of my conscience and my incapacity to recognize the evil in me for what it is. If God does not exist, perhaps I have to seek refuge in these lies, because there is no one who can forgive me; no one who is the true criterion. Yet my encounter with God awakens my conscience in such a way that it no longer aims at self-justification, and is no longer a mere reflection of me and those of my contemporaries who shape my thinking, but it becomes a capacity for listening to the Good itself."

And here is this link to the encyclical online in case you care to read more: http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20071130_spe-salvi_en.html

Sun = Happiness!

Beach Trip Plan Pronto!! I need me some sun-lovin. 

These to brighten your Tuesday (but don't over-gaze and slide from appreciation down to dissatisfaction, haha): 

Have you noticed you cannot possibly look bummed in beach pictures?? 

I love summer! 

Mondayishness

This Monday is a particularly in.your.face the world is a pain in the butt kind of Monday. I decided to share my attempts at self pickmeups with the idea that is might make them actually work. Ahem.

So these are what I should be believing:

I need someone to follow me around shouting this in my ear right now:

this is what I feel like doing: 

and I just like this one: 

Cheers to another week Ladies!!!

a brave woman..

So I went to a talk last night at UW by this girl named Abby Johnson (look her up!) and all I have to say is thank God the hecklers in the back dont plan on reproducing. She has the BEST responses to them.. it was so empowering and really called me back from my self centered goals and made me realize how much we are called to speak on matters of truth. We will be judged by the things we were silent on. I am becoming brutally honest about my opinions. Even today, people at work mentioned Planned Parenthood and I couldnt NOT speak up.. it was a very very freeing feeling to be transparent. I haven't felt that kind of authenticity in myself for a while. I pray for God to make my mission apparent to me. I would do anything to have that kind of passion for my work, as Abby does. 

Living Quarters Para Mi

Cozy Robin's Egg Blue Wittle Cottage...

These are the kinds of places I am looking into. Don't know if I can actually manage it, but man, is it adorable! 

And here is a pretty cute apartment if I have to go that route: 

and the living room: 

Getting so excited!!!

Little Blessings

Just went and met Angie for happy hour. She was so sweet- called me this morning to see if I was ok and if I still was up for our date. It was so fun to catch up and talk just one-on-one. First we talked about Dustin. She was so supportive and encouraging. Not unkind to anyone, but she did tell me that she didn't think we were right for each other and she is so excited for my future husband. We talked about me moving to Austin and new opportunities. Her marrying Greg and moving to Virginia. Her cousin (Marco's older brother Pietro- looks just like him with the same charm lol) was in town and met us for one quick drink. Before he darted off for a date with a woman he met at his business convention two hours earlier. Oh the dark, suave, latin effect! Ange and I chatted with two businessmen from Geneva who were  fascinated with her Spanish and our time in Europe. They were really interesting, cultured and well-intentioned men- father and son- who paid for our glasses of wine. When they left, I got a nice surprise, since the son had the bartender deliver a note and his number to me in a check- book. Thank you God for little pick-me -ups when we need them! And for wonderful, wonderful friends.

Life is beautiful!

To Want

I really like how you two have started these posts with a "want" hue, because im working on wanting my wants right now. Somewhere this past year I disengaged myself with a lot of mine, mostly because I I think I subconsciously needed to purify them. I am working on getting them back in an ordered fashion, with ends that fulfill my true needs and desires, and not some unhealthy imitation of my parent's, friend's, or x-boyfriend's desires of what I should be or want.

-I want to experience beauty daily, through music, writings, film, (just watched Elizabeth last night - great film, as well as Bright Star - also breathtaking). 

-I want to find someone to love who will love me back for the things the world would never recognize. 

-I want to experience things that scare me, because that means growth, and breaking routines. 

-I want to find my mission = where my total gladness and the world's great needs converge.

-I want to move out, i will move out, destination TBD. 

-I want to be the kind of person who everyone knows will always be brutally honest with them, while not making them feel any less loved. 

-I want to spend my days so intentionally and purposefully that when my head hits the pillow at night I fall asleep within moments. 

-I want to feel the full scope of emotions, pain, heartache, exhaustion, pee your pants excitement, knees like jelly captivation, i'd dodge a bullet for you love (im beginning to realize ive grown somewhat numb, that i don't even know what else to add to the list. That needs some attention).  

.....

I think I need to be more grounded in real, tangible, goals that I can strive for to get me in a place where i actually feel like an adult, ha!  Most of my desires are for these ineffable experiences, but I think many of these would arrive if I just got myself out of this pit of a dark suburb called Kent. Anywho - im not as miz as that just sounded, just pensive. I think i've mastered the ability to choose joy in any circumstance. I'm excited for that freedom.  God knows how to make me listen. I am learning :)

.....

-I want to make real tangible goals for myself that stretch me toward a purposeful job, relationships, and growth. 

Things I Want to Do

Thanks for tolerating me right now guys :)

• move to Austin 
• decorate an apartment to my own taste
• work out with dedication every day 
• pray every day. pray for dustin
• cook new recipes
• start a new journal. you don't have to write in it everyday, you don't have to catch up in it. Just move forward where you are. 
• confession. you have moved forward so much in your faith. don't ignore it. embrace it. you can't pretend it isn't the core of who you are. 
• meet new people. by yourself, not with your friends present as a crutch. 
• find a catholic group of people in austin and do some things with them. 
• make baby jensen a quilt! 
• improve your iTunes library
• nurture the awesome friendships that you have, it takes effort and time
• touch base with your grandma. 
• get a new purse
• new jeep tires
• make a man check-list

You are a strong and honest woman. Let yourself be hurt, but grow through the experience. It has taught you so much, you have learned so much about yourself, don't waste the knowledge or the pain. You have to be true to your heart and your head even when it seems impossible. Don't give up on your dreams. When we purify our intentions, the desires in our heart are from God (thanks Sarah!).  Don't settle.

Life is Beautiful! 

This song goes out to Meaghan - luv u.

Dont Kick The Chair

Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ? Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, you believe in GOD ? Student : Absolutely, sir. Professor : Is GOD good ? Student : Sure. Professor: Is GOD all powerful ? Student : Yes. Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm? (Student was silent.) Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good? Student : Yes. Professor: Is satan good ? Student : No. Professor: Where does satan come from ? Student : From … GOD … Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world? Student : Yes. Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct? Student : Yes. Professor: So who created evil ? (Student did not answer.) Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they? Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, who created them ? (Student had no answer.) Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD? Student : No, sir. Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD? Student : No , sir. Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter? Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t. Professor: Yet you still believe in Him? Student : Yes. Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son? Student : Nothing. I only have my faith. Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has. Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat? Professor: Yes. Student : And is there such a thing as cold? Professor: Yes. Student : No, sir. There isn’t. (The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.) Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.) Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness? Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness? Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you? Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ? Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed. Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how? Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey? Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do. Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.) Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class was in uproar.) Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain? (The class broke out into laughter. ) Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.) Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son. Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving. P.S. That student was EINSTEIN.

Heartache.

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been so happy and so wrapped up in my relationship and its progress. It didn't feel right to share its private moments in such a public manner on the blog, and I didn't have anything else on my mind really. I broke up with him this morning. My heart hurts so so much. And I know that I hurt him so much too. I feel like a royal mess, a complete disaster. I was so sure this was the right thing to do, so sure that I needed to save us both from much bigger hurt in the future. But after talking to him I feel so broken and a bit panicky and wondering what the hell have I done. My intellect still tells me I made the right choice but my heart is screaming at me and saying why why why. I am going to miss him so much. I don't mean to be depressing. I just needed to share with two of the people I love the most in the world. 

This was part of an email exchange between me and Tessie this morning. It just all came out and it encapsulates the way I feel pretty well. 

Love you both! 

Tessie, 

We talked about it a bit last night. I told him I have decided to move to Austin. He sees that as synonymous with breaking up (which I knew), so his gut-reaction was not unexpected to me. We've talked about it before and I have always held that if a relationship is the right one, it will weather the distance or figure out a way to be together. He doesn't agree and I knew that he felt I was choosing 'career' over him. I suppose in a way I am, though I have never seen the opportunity as this stark choice between love and work. But I guess that is where the problem is: if I loved him like you love Dan, I wouldn't be able to fathom leaving and we would be getting married. But I don't. And we're not. 

I just know so much that Austin is where I am supposed to be right now; that it is going to be such a good experience for me and  that I am excited for all the right reasons. I don't know what will happen. It isn't because of my job. My job is just the perfect setup for me to go. And I am supposed to go. 

This past week was one reminder after the other of what my dreams have alwaysbeen made of...the kind of relationship I want, the family I can't wait to raise, the love and faith that I want to fully share with someone. I thought for a moment that there might be another way to have a good relationship. That maybe I am too quick to dismiss people, that everyone is on a journey and can change. That my initial critical impression of people (men particularly) is harsh and unrealistic. Dustin has a good, sweet heart. But we see all of the important things differently...no, on entirely different planes!! It is not healthy for either of us. He is resentful because he thinks I won't adjust/compromise things; I am because he has no understanding of the core of who I am and why 'compromise' isn't even possible.

I wish so much that I could take his part of the hurt. It about broke my heart talking to him last night. He has had such horrid examples of family relationships and love in his life. He kept asking me why I made him fall in love with me. I feel so awful. We do have a great time together.  I am attracted to him and we laugh, laugh, laugh together. But it isn't enough. I am sad, it hurts and I will miss him. But I at least have the surety that what I am doing is the right thing to do. He doesn't have that. Just the hurt. And another person who failed him. I feel like a murderess. I am slowing murdering his small, newborn hope in love. But I can't reassure him and I can't take it back. It is best for both of us. 

This relationship has really solidified that my faith is the core of who I am and I can't ignore it. It has been kind of rumbling around under the surface for the past few years.  I thought maybe I could live it on my own, not necessarily have to share it with my spouse. Nooot true. Everything stems from it. I cannot be happy without it there and I can't lie to myself. I have felt him pulling me away from it more than anything else. It has been forever since I have gone to communion. I don't want to live this way. 

Anywho. 

Thanks much for the prayers. And for the example. I'm thinking that D.P. put us together in this hell-hole of an office to smack my stubborn head against the windowpane of your relationship and say 'see! quit pretending you don't want this or that this doesn't exist! Find that Chesterton-loving hopeful idealism that is all wrapped up in your being and quit being a coward!' 

I love you for it! And many other reasons :)

Megs

Seriously. Seriously. Cannot stand flaky people. I think it's just rude. Flat out rude. When somebody calls you or e-mails you then it's polite to respond. I don't give s flippin-A if the response isn't in my favor. What I care about is if you take the time to respond. I'm not saying you should respond to every single thing, but when you've made commitments you should follow through on them. AHHHHHHHHHH! It's so frustrating to me. Who does that? That's my rant while I sit on a conference call that I have no involvement in. It's hard to find the desire to fight for things when you don't really give a damn. C'est la vie!

Random thoughts, inquiries and observations

1) It's only 100 days til the Olympics! Why am I not more excited?
2) Remember those Olympic coins they used to have in cereal boxes?
3) I think Gymnastics is my favorite Olympic sport to watch.
4) I wonder if I could ever "STICK" a landing after flipping off a vault.
5) Mexico has a volcano - news to me!
6) I thought Mexico was a land of beaches, taco trucks, and dive bars.
7) Volcanoes in Mexico totally ruined my exotic fantasy land that I've always imagined.
8) How would you feel to be part of Bin Laden's family - I thought my family had issues.
9) I like presenting powerpoint presentations
10) I, however, take it as a personal insult to my intelligence to present somebody else's powerpoint, as if I'm not smart enough to create my own.
11) Flaky people drive me insane.
12) I hope people don't think I'm flaky.
13) Fiduciary is a funny word.
14) I always thought a good line would be "Yeah, that guy puts the douche in fiduciary."
15) I really want to get a bike.
16) I think people with bike racks always look so in shape and put together.
17) Secrets can be hard to keep.
18) I get more excited for other people than I do for myself.
19) I ate way tOO much at lunch.
20) Crying is so unbelievably therapeutic.

What was supposed to be a comment...

On Mare's post below..:

AHHHH! I love this more and more! I read it the other day rather hurriedly. But today I've been so incredibly bored and revisited it without any distractions and it just blows my mind.

God is good to us regardless. By him giving us somebody it is such an incredible blessing to show us how much he loves us.

I have a hard time with this sometimes because I feel like my view of love is sometimes selfish - well it's almost always ultimately selfish with a facade and an intellectual understanding that I'm supposed to be selfless. I'm only recently learning how to truly love completely selflessly.

My counselor told me that it's a psychological theory/belief (not sure what you would call it) that our perception of God is a mirror of our perception of our parents. To me my parents have always loved me - I would never doubt that. But their love seems ultimately self-directed. I feel if they truly loved me they would say, "We love you, now do what you want to do. We had our time with you. We've watched you grow and helped you along the way. Now it's your turn to take the reins."

I feel like that's what God is telling us. And not only is telling us but wants us to do. And He gives us awesome consolation prizes along the way. What would the world be like if God kept all of us to Himself?

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.” - Robert Fritz

from the mouth of Cistercian abbot, St. Aelred of Rievaulx

It is no small consolation in this life to have someone to whom you can be united in the intimate embrace of the most sacred love; in whom your spirit can rest; to whom you can pour out your soul; in whose delightful company, as in a sweet consoling song, you can take comfort in the midst of sadness; in whose most welcome, friendly bosom you can find peace in so many worldly setbacks; to whose loving heart you can open, as freely as you would to yourself, your innermost thoughts; through whose spiritual kisses – as by some medicine – you are cured of the sickness of care and worry; who weeps with you in sorrow, rejoices with you in joy, and wonders with you in doubt; whom you draw by the fetters of love into that inner room of your soul, so that though the body is absent, the spirit is there, and you can confer all alone, the two of you, in the sleep of peace away from the noise of the world, in the embrace of love, in the kiss of unity, with the Holy Spirit flowing over you; to whom you so join and unite yourself that you mix soul with soul, and two become one.

And the beats go on...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_yts

Inna - Endless

Yeah if you haven't noticed I need a crazy stay up till 5am, sequin wearin', champagne sippin (or gin), mascara smearing, dance party. SOON!

Inna - Endless

[iTunes Bonus Track] On A Good Day (Metropolis) (with Above & Beyond pres. OceanLab)

[iTunes Bonus Track] On A Good Day (Metropolis) (with Above & Beyond pres. OceanLab)

Be Satisfied With Me

“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone;
to have a deep soul relationship with another;
to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to be a Christian, God says “No, not until you are satisfied,
and fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone,
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found
will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be united to another
until you are united with Me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desires or longing.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
the most thrilling plan existing…one that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best!

Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that is all.

Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry.
Don’t look around at the things others have gotten,
or that I have given to them.
Don’t look around at all the things you want.
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready, I will surprise you
with a love more wonderful than you would ever dream.

You see, until you are ready,
and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
to have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
and the life I have prepared for you,
you won’t be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.

And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love;
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me,
and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of
beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
For I am God. Believe it, and be satisfied.”

--Saint Anthony of Padua

***I thought it was funny that it was St. Anthony - patron saint of lost things. LOL!

On finding "Mr. Right"...

“Run… just run… run towards Christ and live for Him, don’t look in any other direction, and when the time is right and you feel strong and whole, glance to the side and see who is running next to you.”

Life

Hahaha Mare you made me laugh out loud :) I have not been trying to hold out on you at all, it is just something that kind of came of nowhere and I am still processing/adjusting. I haven't really told anyone.

Soooo I am dating Dustin. Like, I'm his girlfriend.

Even typing that makes me laugh a little bit because it is so foreign a concept. I would have laughed you out of town if you had suggested it even two months ago. In fact-ask Sarah- I actually did. She told me before I knew it. He did too. I honestly think he was a bit peeved that I didn't even realize we had been on dates. He was like we've been on three dates, I know, I planned them. Oblivious...that's me!

I don't really have much to say about it honestly. I'm pretty happy and we are pretty good together but in a strange way. I mean, who'd have thunk it! It is still very very young and I am sorting things out. I realized I am a horrid girlfriend and by that I mean absolutely clueless haha. But he doesn't seem to mind. It is odd to me...to have someone care about you in such total kind of way. I don't really understand why he likes me the way that he does, but he just does. He loves parts of myself I wasn't even aware of.

Life is so interesting. I am on this ride and it is crazy. but so beautiful.


Oh, in other news? I quite my job on Friday. I am INSANE completely INSANE but it feels wonderful. I spent the weekend in Austin with Dustin and his brother/girlfriend. We spent nearly every second of daylight outside. It was soul-stirring and the tranquility was so so so needed. It put alot of things in perspective for me. I am still riffling through it all and sorting things away into little cupboards in my mind, but I feel a change in the air...

And I cannot wait to see where I go!

Love you both and MISS our summer sunday fundays. Don't know why, but that has been on the mind lately.

This weekend I learned...

I have codependent tendencies.
It's harder to think for yourself than I ever thought possible.
I have 2 of the best girlfriends in the WHOLE world.
I really didn't like Adam the way I thought I did - seeing him with an Asian at Church on Sunday morning made me life hysterically.If you really like someone that's not the appropriate response.
God has something really frickin' awesome in store for me - just learning to believe and hope in it.
I have alterior boundaries to make up for the internal boundaries I've failed to develop.
Having strong internal boundaries really does help protect from the anxiety, fear and judgement the world tries to throw at you - it's all a mental game. You just have to outsmart and outplay yourself - show em who's boss!
Meaghan skipping out on perfect patio weather ensures several hours of make up patio weather in the future - it's like interest on a credit card. The more you don't pay up front the more you pay in the long run. Fortunately for you the pay off in this case is AWESOME - patio time with me! And while I'm on the subject, it would seem as though Mare might have maxed out her credit - so to speak. Don't think you're getting out of this quite so easily. You've been gone toooooo long. It is time to come back. You owe me!
Here's to a happy week, ladies! Love you both!