Happy Wednesday :)

It gets good about a minute in.... gosh I love 4 day work weeks!!

http://soundcloud.com/deejaysoundpower/shakira-feat-lil-wayne-timbaland-give-it-up-to-me-dj-sound-power-remix

Awakening the senses!

I woke up this morning with an indescribable desire to book a one way ticket to Spain or France. This was influenced by a plethora of things: my friend just landed in France where she starts her aupair summer job North of Paris (Mary Ellen - you met her) ; Sean's wife Anna is from Spain, and she is one of the happiest/festive people I have ever met (Joy keeps you young. She is a mum of 4 and looks 19), Sean and Anna are traveling Europe for their ten year anniversary and their pics showed up on my feed this morning; and perhaps the still yet to be scheduled trip to South Florida, where everyone is tan and socializes like its their profession. So I put on brighter colors than normal today and have been listening to Ottmar Liebert all day in the office, and happy to acknowledge that there is nothing restraining me from actually giving either posh destination a visit. While I see many friends getting hitched behind their white picket fences (which, mind you, I cant wait for), I am grateful that I have an insatiable curiosity to experience the colorful, disarmingly beautiful cites and sounds available to me the moment I decide to get out of my own way - i don't plan on waiting for my ten year wedding anniversary.

Spain

 

Monaco, France

Reminder to Me

The most important hour is always the present; the most significant person is precisely the one who is sitting across from you right now; the most necessary work is always love. 

-Meister Eckhart 

Anticipation

How funny is it to just stop for a minute and realize where you are in life. How you got there. How incredible it is. How strange that you have come all the way you have to get where you are. How blessed we all are to be at whatever point we are.

Then to lift your thoughts a bit down the road ahead; to where your dreams lead you.

My thoughts this morning? I am so excited for my future sweet little babies! Little carbon copies of me and my love to put in striped hanna andersson long-johns and chase around. with bare feet. on wood floors. in the mornings before breakfast.

A weirdly specific picture to have in my head, I know. I came across these and that is what they told me :)

 Love you ladies!!

Prayer & Hope

"33. Saint Augustine, in a homily on the First Letter of John, describes very beautifully the intimate relationship between prayer and hope. He defines prayer as an exercise of desire. Man was created for greatness—for God himself; he was created to be filled by God. But his heart is too small for the greatness to which it is destined. It must be stretched. “By delaying [his gift], God strengthens our desire; through desire he enlarges our soul and by expanding it he increases its capacity [for receiving him]”. Augustine refers to Saint Paul, who speaks of himself as straining forward to the things that are to come (cf. Phil 3:13). He then uses a very beautiful image to describe this process of enlargement and preparation of the human heart. “Suppose that God wishes to fill you with honey [a symbol of God's tenderness and goodness]; but if you are full of vinegar, where will you put the honey?” The vessel, that is your heart, must first be enlarged and then cleansed, freed from the vinegar and its taste. This requires hard work and is painful, but in this way alone do we become suited to that for which we are destined[26]. Even if Augustine speaks directly only of our capacity for God, it is nevertheless clear that through this effort by which we are freed from vinegar and the taste of vinegar, not only are we made free for God, but we also become open to others. It is only by becoming children of God, that we can be with our common Father. To pray is not to step outside history and withdraw to our own private corner of happiness. When we pray properly we undergo a process of inner purification which opens us up to God and thus to our fellow human beings as well. In prayer we must learn what we can truly ask of God—what is worthy of God. We must learn that we cannot pray against others. We must learn that we cannot ask for the superficial and comfortable things that we desire at this moment—that meagre, misplaced hope that leads us away from God. We must learn to purify our desires and our hopes. We must free ourselves from the hidden lies with which we deceive ourselves. God sees through them, and when we come before God, we too are forced to recognize them. “But who can discern his errors? Clear me from hidden faults” prays the Psalmist (Ps 19:12 [18:13]). Failure to recognize my guilt, the illusion of my innocence, does not justify me and does not save me, because I am culpable for the numbness of my conscience and my incapacity to recognize the evil in me for what it is. If God does not exist, perhaps I have to seek refuge in these lies, because there is no one who can forgive me; no one who is the true criterion. Yet my encounter with God awakens my conscience in such a way that it no longer aims at self-justification, and is no longer a mere reflection of me and those of my contemporaries who shape my thinking, but it becomes a capacity for listening to the Good itself."

And here is this link to the encyclical online in case you care to read more: http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20071130_spe-salvi_en.html

Sun = Happiness!

Beach Trip Plan Pronto!! I need me some sun-lovin. 

These to brighten your Tuesday (but don't over-gaze and slide from appreciation down to dissatisfaction, haha): 

Have you noticed you cannot possibly look bummed in beach pictures?? 

I love summer! 

Mondayishness

This Monday is a particularly in.your.face the world is a pain in the butt kind of Monday. I decided to share my attempts at self pickmeups with the idea that is might make them actually work. Ahem.

So these are what I should be believing:

I need someone to follow me around shouting this in my ear right now:

this is what I feel like doing: 

and I just like this one: 

Cheers to another week Ladies!!!

a brave woman..

So I went to a talk last night at UW by this girl named Abby Johnson (look her up!) and all I have to say is thank God the hecklers in the back dont plan on reproducing. She has the BEST responses to them.. it was so empowering and really called me back from my self centered goals and made me realize how much we are called to speak on matters of truth. We will be judged by the things we were silent on. I am becoming brutally honest about my opinions. Even today, people at work mentioned Planned Parenthood and I couldnt NOT speak up.. it was a very very freeing feeling to be transparent. I haven't felt that kind of authenticity in myself for a while. I pray for God to make my mission apparent to me. I would do anything to have that kind of passion for my work, as Abby does. 

Living Quarters Para Mi

Cozy Robin's Egg Blue Wittle Cottage...

These are the kinds of places I am looking into. Don't know if I can actually manage it, but man, is it adorable! 

And here is a pretty cute apartment if I have to go that route: 

and the living room: 

Getting so excited!!!

Little Blessings

Just went and met Angie for happy hour. She was so sweet- called me this morning to see if I was ok and if I still was up for our date. It was so fun to catch up and talk just one-on-one. First we talked about Dustin. She was so supportive and encouraging. Not unkind to anyone, but she did tell me that she didn't think we were right for each other and she is so excited for my future husband. We talked about me moving to Austin and new opportunities. Her marrying Greg and moving to Virginia. Her cousin (Marco's older brother Pietro- looks just like him with the same charm lol) was in town and met us for one quick drink. Before he darted off for a date with a woman he met at his business convention two hours earlier. Oh the dark, suave, latin effect! Ange and I chatted with two businessmen from Geneva who were  fascinated with her Spanish and our time in Europe. They were really interesting, cultured and well-intentioned men- father and son- who paid for our glasses of wine. When they left, I got a nice surprise, since the son had the bartender deliver a note and his number to me in a check- book. Thank you God for little pick-me -ups when we need them! And for wonderful, wonderful friends.

Life is beautiful!

To Want

I really like how you two have started these posts with a "want" hue, because im working on wanting my wants right now. Somewhere this past year I disengaged myself with a lot of mine, mostly because I I think I subconsciously needed to purify them. I am working on getting them back in an ordered fashion, with ends that fulfill my true needs and desires, and not some unhealthy imitation of my parent's, friend's, or x-boyfriend's desires of what I should be or want.

-I want to experience beauty daily, through music, writings, film, (just watched Elizabeth last night - great film, as well as Bright Star - also breathtaking). 

-I want to find someone to love who will love me back for the things the world would never recognize. 

-I want to experience things that scare me, because that means growth, and breaking routines. 

-I want to find my mission = where my total gladness and the world's great needs converge.

-I want to move out, i will move out, destination TBD. 

-I want to be the kind of person who everyone knows will always be brutally honest with them, while not making them feel any less loved. 

-I want to spend my days so intentionally and purposefully that when my head hits the pillow at night I fall asleep within moments. 

-I want to feel the full scope of emotions, pain, heartache, exhaustion, pee your pants excitement, knees like jelly captivation, i'd dodge a bullet for you love (im beginning to realize ive grown somewhat numb, that i don't even know what else to add to the list. That needs some attention).  

.....

I think I need to be more grounded in real, tangible, goals that I can strive for to get me in a place where i actually feel like an adult, ha!  Most of my desires are for these ineffable experiences, but I think many of these would arrive if I just got myself out of this pit of a dark suburb called Kent. Anywho - im not as miz as that just sounded, just pensive. I think i've mastered the ability to choose joy in any circumstance. I'm excited for that freedom.  God knows how to make me listen. I am learning :)

.....

-I want to make real tangible goals for myself that stretch me toward a purposeful job, relationships, and growth. 

Things I Want to Do

Thanks for tolerating me right now guys :)

• move to Austin 
• decorate an apartment to my own taste
• work out with dedication every day 
• pray every day. pray for dustin
• cook new recipes
• start a new journal. you don't have to write in it everyday, you don't have to catch up in it. Just move forward where you are. 
• confession. you have moved forward so much in your faith. don't ignore it. embrace it. you can't pretend it isn't the core of who you are. 
• meet new people. by yourself, not with your friends present as a crutch. 
• find a catholic group of people in austin and do some things with them. 
• make baby jensen a quilt! 
• improve your iTunes library
• nurture the awesome friendships that you have, it takes effort and time
• touch base with your grandma. 
• get a new purse
• new jeep tires
• make a man check-list

You are a strong and honest woman. Let yourself be hurt, but grow through the experience. It has taught you so much, you have learned so much about yourself, don't waste the knowledge or the pain. You have to be true to your heart and your head even when it seems impossible. Don't give up on your dreams. When we purify our intentions, the desires in our heart are from God (thanks Sarah!).  Don't settle.

Life is Beautiful! 

This song goes out to Meaghan - luv u.

Dont Kick The Chair

Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ? Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, you believe in GOD ? Student : Absolutely, sir. Professor : Is GOD good ? Student : Sure. Professor: Is GOD all powerful ? Student : Yes. Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm? (Student was silent.) Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good? Student : Yes. Professor: Is satan good ? Student : No. Professor: Where does satan come from ? Student : From … GOD … Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world? Student : Yes. Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct? Student : Yes. Professor: So who created evil ? (Student did not answer.) Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they? Student : Yes, sir. Professor: So, who created them ? (Student had no answer.) Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD? Student : No, sir. Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD? Student : No , sir. Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter? Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t. Professor: Yet you still believe in Him? Student : Yes. Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son? Student : Nothing. I only have my faith. Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has. Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat? Professor: Yes. Student : And is there such a thing as cold? Professor: Yes. Student : No, sir. There isn’t. (The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.) Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. (There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.) Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness? Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness? Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you? Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ? Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed. Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how? Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey? Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do. Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.) Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class was in uproar.) Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain? (The class broke out into laughter. ) Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.) Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son. Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving. P.S. That student was EINSTEIN.

Heartache.

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been so happy and so wrapped up in my relationship and its progress. It didn't feel right to share its private moments in such a public manner on the blog, and I didn't have anything else on my mind really. I broke up with him this morning. My heart hurts so so much. And I know that I hurt him so much too. I feel like a royal mess, a complete disaster. I was so sure this was the right thing to do, so sure that I needed to save us both from much bigger hurt in the future. But after talking to him I feel so broken and a bit panicky and wondering what the hell have I done. My intellect still tells me I made the right choice but my heart is screaming at me and saying why why why. I am going to miss him so much. I don't mean to be depressing. I just needed to share with two of the people I love the most in the world. 

This was part of an email exchange between me and Tessie this morning. It just all came out and it encapsulates the way I feel pretty well. 

Love you both! 

Tessie, 

We talked about it a bit last night. I told him I have decided to move to Austin. He sees that as synonymous with breaking up (which I knew), so his gut-reaction was not unexpected to me. We've talked about it before and I have always held that if a relationship is the right one, it will weather the distance or figure out a way to be together. He doesn't agree and I knew that he felt I was choosing 'career' over him. I suppose in a way I am, though I have never seen the opportunity as this stark choice between love and work. But I guess that is where the problem is: if I loved him like you love Dan, I wouldn't be able to fathom leaving and we would be getting married. But I don't. And we're not. 

I just know so much that Austin is where I am supposed to be right now; that it is going to be such a good experience for me and  that I am excited for all the right reasons. I don't know what will happen. It isn't because of my job. My job is just the perfect setup for me to go. And I am supposed to go. 

This past week was one reminder after the other of what my dreams have alwaysbeen made of...the kind of relationship I want, the family I can't wait to raise, the love and faith that I want to fully share with someone. I thought for a moment that there might be another way to have a good relationship. That maybe I am too quick to dismiss people, that everyone is on a journey and can change. That my initial critical impression of people (men particularly) is harsh and unrealistic. Dustin has a good, sweet heart. But we see all of the important things differently...no, on entirely different planes!! It is not healthy for either of us. He is resentful because he thinks I won't adjust/compromise things; I am because he has no understanding of the core of who I am and why 'compromise' isn't even possible.

I wish so much that I could take his part of the hurt. It about broke my heart talking to him last night. He has had such horrid examples of family relationships and love in his life. He kept asking me why I made him fall in love with me. I feel so awful. We do have a great time together.  I am attracted to him and we laugh, laugh, laugh together. But it isn't enough. I am sad, it hurts and I will miss him. But I at least have the surety that what I am doing is the right thing to do. He doesn't have that. Just the hurt. And another person who failed him. I feel like a murderess. I am slowing murdering his small, newborn hope in love. But I can't reassure him and I can't take it back. It is best for both of us. 

This relationship has really solidified that my faith is the core of who I am and I can't ignore it. It has been kind of rumbling around under the surface for the past few years.  I thought maybe I could live it on my own, not necessarily have to share it with my spouse. Nooot true. Everything stems from it. I cannot be happy without it there and I can't lie to myself. I have felt him pulling me away from it more than anything else. It has been forever since I have gone to communion. I don't want to live this way. 

Anywho. 

Thanks much for the prayers. And for the example. I'm thinking that D.P. put us together in this hell-hole of an office to smack my stubborn head against the windowpane of your relationship and say 'see! quit pretending you don't want this or that this doesn't exist! Find that Chesterton-loving hopeful idealism that is all wrapped up in your being and quit being a coward!' 

I love you for it! And many other reasons :)

Megs